Birkie 2016

After 30 years of doing the “Birkie Fever” dance, I should have some confidence going forward into the week of preparation, prior to the big event, the grand daddy of North American cross country ski racing, and I don't. Somewhere along the way, my wife has come up to her 30th Birkie, this year, of all years, and being on more than a first name basis, she asked if I'd like to perhaps do the event with her. Loverly, and with no apparent response except for a strained smile and rather bulging eyes, I agreed. Like, “Wow!” Sure, I'd love to!” Secretly realizing that while this event was not covered under the original marriage vows there might be a long term negative impact with a refusal.

Now, some months later the bill is coming due, and I don't know if I have the funds to cover the required physical expenditure. This sounds like our first date where the pizza came to a little more than I had in the wallet. Luck being on my side, it was a double date and my good buddy, Mikey, covered me for another ten spot. I don't think Mikey's going to make the start line this year and luck has very little to do with completion of a ski marathon. Feels like a maximum time on skis, value added.

There's great news for skiers at the Birkie this year, it's longer! That's right, you get more bang for your buck as changes from last year were so popular and beneficial that they were given a green light for a permanent solution, at least until it gets changed again. The course now winds around a new road near the Fish Hatchery adding 2k, but last year there were some changes also with a net gain of 1k this year, that next year's new start area will bring back to something else. The American Birkebeiner Foundation keeps most of the race intact but tweaks here and there as they look to improve the event and increase the legend. All good for those youngsters who are just getting into the groove at 40 some k's and ready to kick it into overdrive. Not so good for aging classic dudes short on training and long on accumulated calories. Let paranoia and memories of cramping muscles begin, fun times ahead. Whatever the distance, the challenge is substantial and there is no free lunch.

Watching the weather the week before Birkie Saturday is always a good way to take your mind off the public embarrassment called national politics, ISIS threats, humanitarian crises, and how the Packers are recovering. Looks mild this year, as in “sweater” weather and I'm not talking about fall apparel. With predicted lows around 28 and highs up to 38 we will not be needing multiple layers of much of anything. With hard skiing burning somewhere between 800-1000 calories per hour, liters of liquid will be shed quickly by the skiers. Replenishing fluids will be key and I'd imagine the feed stations will be busy spots. Woe to those failing to drink early and consistently, “bonk” is thy middle name. Fluids and those funny tasting electrolyte filled sports drinks can help maintain energy.

Speaking of bonking, it's been a long time since I've had one of those. That's where the blood sugar falls ridiculously low and forward progress is slowed to the point of taking to the side of the trail, hanging on your poles, and having lots of people pass you and ask, “You OK?” Sure, sure, sure, no problem, except between the drool sliding down your chin, the glazed look in your eyes, and the inability to find a graceful exit, you realize you have a long way to go, even if it's one kilometer, because you have hit the wall, no gas left in the tank, and home is a galaxy far, far way. Quick, a sugar fix! Inhaling anything laced with simple carbs seems life giving at that point.

But, to all those fears and reality checks, I have a solution, a magic bullet. Wax! That's right, in addition to a compulsive/obsessive fixation on weather, Birkie skiers search for the Holy Grail, the perfect wax job to make those boards feel like silky Teflon and ease the pain of under training. There are many wax vendors and experts who will help you; selling you information, product, giving away advice sometimes, and there you are, prying your wallet out as you forget about the staving children of India in the hopes of going faster and hurting less, a fair trade for the day.

If your wallet matches your ego there are very few limits as to what can be spent. A hundred dollar bill goes a long way for a day's wax job, but then you need a quiver of skis to choose from, different grinds on those bases, and a talented set of soles on those feet to know which setup is faster. Donald J. Trump could have some fun in this sport. Might lose a few pounds too.

So I'm going to be there, along with my date. Wave 3, table for two, please. The heart will thump, the blood will flow, and a primal roar will emerge from the wave as we surge forward and head south to Hayward. Along the way will be birth, life, death, and reincarnation, along with a spill or two, and all for a brat and a beer on Main Street. The common themes of endurance, technical skills, and common goals make for an interesting cult brewery, yeasty and hoppy at the same time.

There should be an easier way, but walking away with a smile on your face (even if the legs are cramping) and knowing that you're still alive and kicking, have given up the easy chair, remote control lifestyle in favor of personal challenge can only be good. The Birkie keeps you honest as you take a yearly physical and psychic stress test and get to self analyze the results. There should be an easier way, but I haven't found it. Here's to good skis, fast times, and barring that, a finish.